First of all, a sincere thank you to PSG for doing football a public service.
Every time I imagined Arsenal winning the Champions League, I got a migraine from the thought alone. I did not picture celebrations; I pictured noise. The kind of noise that would require intervention from environmental authorities. The kind of noise that would force governments to issue public statements.
Arsenal fans had spent the entire season depositing confidence into the banter bank: every tweet, every podcast, every “trust the process” speech, every tactical breakdown from someone who discovered football analytics last Thursday.
So when PSG won on penalties in Budapest, it genuinely felt like divine intervention.
Even God looked at the situation and decided football was not ready for the level of celebration Arsenal fans had prepared.
Now, to be fair, Arsenal had an incredible season. They won the Premier League, reached the Champions League final unbeaten, and played some genuinely impressive football. Mikel Arteta deserves immense credit, while players such as Bukayo Saka, Declan Rice and Kai Havertz were outstanding throughout the campaign.
Unfortunately, football hate has never been about facts. It is about timing.
When Havertz scored after six minutes in the final, panic spread across rival fan bases. Liverpool supporters began searching for remote villages without internet access. Manchester United fans mentally prepared to disappear for six months. Chelsea fans were already drafting explanations involving net spend and long-term projects.
Then PSG rescued civilisation.
Ousmane Dembélé equalised. Penalties arrived. And football’s favourite producer of emotional damage took over.
Then came the moment.
Gabriel Magalhães, a man who had been excellent all season, stepped forward and launched his penalty somewhere in the general direction of Eastern Europe.
The second that ball left his foot, rival fans experienced spiritual enlightenment.
Captions were already sitting in notes apps waiting for deployment.
Manchester United fans emerged from one of the roughest periods in their history to remind Arsenal supporters that they still lack a Champions League trophy. Spurs fans, despite spending much of the season flirting with disaster, suddenly became professors of European football history. Even neutrals joined in, largely because Arsenal fans have mastered the rare art of being impossible to ignore.
The truth is Arsenal suffer from a problem most clubs would love to have: they matter.
Nobody spends this much energy hating irrelevant teams.
Their fans are passionate, confident, loud, and occasionally convinced that a preseason friendly is evidence of an emerging dynasty. That is exactly why the banter is so relentless.
Do we love Arsenal fans?
Absolutely.
Football would be poorer without them.
They provide content all year round and somehow turn every season into a documentary series.
But that is also why the banter must continue.
This is not personal; it is tradition.
Arsenal will recover. Arteta is building something special, and they will probably be back competing at the highest level next season.
And when they return, Arsenal fans will once again tell us that this is their year.
At which point we, the haters, will dutifully return to work and continue protecting football from excessive noise.
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